Vampira.
This Octogenarian had a penchant for keeping the undead's hours and had an unending thirst for Chicken & Dumplings.
When Vanessa called me the first time I could tell she sounded like an older woman, and although she was quite playful in her speach, the slight alto horseness in her voice told me she was at least over 70. She told me that she lived alone and desperately needed to lose weight. She had once been a model in the sixties and was trying to get back to her “model weight”.
I went to meet her at her house, a small brick covered spilt level dating to the seventies. She was a very petite woman with very long dyed black hair and fire red lipstick. She wore a sweat shirt/pant combo all in black. We sat in her small kitchen at the breakfast nook, her refridgerator covered in photos of friends and family, but mostly grandkids. I would be doing the cooking in my commercial kitchen and delivering meals to her once a week. As we discussed her likes and dislikes I soon got the sense that she hated vegetables. “Nothing fresh for me! I only like canned. It’s what I grew up with,” she stated with a smile. I felt wierd with the thought of opening up cans of peas and corn and using those as side dishes, but hey, if that’s what she wanted, then that’s what she wanted. As we discussed some favorite dishes of hers, she asked me if I had a good Chicken & Dumpling recipe. “In fact, I do!” I told her. “My mother was from Texas and could make some of the best Chicken & Dumplings. Her dumplings were super soft and fluffy and the soup base always creamy from the startch in the dumplings,” I excitedly continued. Vanessa was very excited and laughingly said “To Hell with the diet!” We also discussed her love of beef and how much she loved steak and asked me for basic steak and baked potatoes, with lots of butter. By this point I wondered if she was even really interested in any diet plan and if she was, was that even possible. But, I was just the chef making her what she asked for, not a dietician.
When we discussed what day and time I would be deliverying the meals she asked that I come as late in the afternoon as possible, as she usually didnt wake up until sometime around 3pm. I must have had a look of confusion on my face. Don’t older people wake at the crack of dawn and go to bed after an early dinner at 4pm? I asked her, “Wait…do you sleep all day?” to which she replied, “Yes, unless I have a doctors appointment. I stay up all night. I love the nighttime. I love to watch all my shows that I tape during the day. I write all my emails then. I usually eat my breakfast at about 5pm, then my lunch at 10pm…dinner’s usually around 3 am...” I looked at her in disbelief. “When the sun starts to come up then I go to bed,” she said smiling. She gave me a key to the front door so I could let myself in to put all the food in the fridge.
That’s when I dubbed her “Vampira”.
I cooked for Vampira for almost 3 years. The routine usually went something like this: I cooked her favorites for weeks, making her my last delivery of the day, entering the dark, quiet house with my key to the front door and tip toeiing into the kitchen. Sometimes I would hear a faint, “Is that you Chef?” coming from the dark second floor. “Yes Vanessas,” I would reply. As the weeks passed, she would tell me she needed bigger portions. For example, I began with two quarts of Chicken & Dumplings per week that then was upped to 6 quarts, then by week 4 she asked for 10 quarts. As for the other dishes, Steak and Baked Potato went from one a week to 4 a week. Country Fried Pork Chops and canned vegetables went from one a week to 3. Then Spaghetti and Meatballs went from 2 a week to 6. I didnt know WHERE she was putting all this food. How could one petite woman of 5’2” and 83 years old eat THAT MUCH FOOD in one weeks time. “I LOOOOOOVE to eat!” she exclaimed with each call, telling me to make her more.
Then the routine would change with one day recieveing an email from her stating that she needed to lose the weight. “Doctors orders!” she wrote. “Ok, lets clean up your menus and see what we can do,” I wrote to her. Salads, soups and lean meats were her main stays. “Normal” portions of 4 ounces of protiens was what I served her. After two weeks she wrote to tell me that she was going to take a break from my service. I told her I would save a spot in my schedule for when she returned.
Two months later she was back, asking for her old menu. “I need you back! All I’m eating is pizza and wine!” So, back I went to making her gallons of Chicken & Dumplings, piles of steaks and heaping mounds of meatballs. This went on for almost a year until, again, she wrote to say she needed a break, and in an obviously drunk rage she wrote how I was “making her fat!”, and yet again, I told her I would keep a spot for her if she decided to return. I didnt hear from her for almost a year.
Then out of the blue an email. “Hello Chef! Could you please get me back in your schedule? I am missing your cooking and wanted to ask you if you could just make me those Chicken & Dumplings only? Like, maybe 20 quarts a week?” I replied with a “Sure thing.”
This went on for about two months, then like the fickled person she was, she wrote that she would not be needing my service any longer. She accompanied this note with a comment that the Chicken and Dumplings didnt taste the same and that she wasnt happy. And so, I replied with a final, “Best to you” with no mention of saviing her a spot. I was done.
Over two years passed and one day I awoke to an email from her: “Hope you are well. I hired another person to cook for me and I would like her to make your Chicken & Dumplings recipe. Could you send that to me? All the best.”
Wow! I thought, What balls! So, like the sun rising each morning that she never saw rise, I too did not rise to reply to her.
Until next week, thanks so much for following along on this journey!
- Shirlé
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Thank you again,
- Shirlé
PS: All names, places and occupations have been changed to protect the identity of all clients.
A Shout Out to this Weeks Paid Supporters:
A very special shout out to the following paid subscribers:
Robinlee Garber, Chef Lynn Warlick Wells, Jake Brokaw, Miyuki Furtado and Spanky Wilson, . A special shout out to new paid subscribers Myra Ruppe Schwartz, Lisa Deemer Sethi and Claudia L Sanders, Laurel Estabrooks and Leela Montella,! Thank you all soooo much for your support!
-Leela is a person I have known since kindergarten. She has made a lovely life for her and her family and I love watching her kids success stories.
-Myra is an old NC friend who I recently got to see here in beautiful Lisbon with her partner Scott. Maybe someday they will become expats in this fair land.
-Robinlee is a childhood friend and all around renaissance woman, living and playing music in Chicago.
-Chef Lynn is a fellow Personal Chef buddy and owner of Thyme Well Spent, Personal Chef Service, based out of Greensboro NC. When not cooking for clients or food styling for cookbooks, she can be found hobnobbing with tastemakers and culinary shakers all over the country.
-Jake and his wife Brigitte have long been huge supporters of my cooking and are also huge supporters of the arts in Baltimore, Maryland. Jake also has an Orthopedic practice I have had to use a few times.
-Miyuki has been a lifelong friend and bandmate of mine from days long past. He’s also one of the best fathers and husbands I know and has raised one of the coolest kids, his daughter Mino along with his sweet wife Tricia. Miyuki currently plays music in his Alt-Country band, Divining Rod. You can listen to Divining Rod out on all music platforms. (Chef Lynn, I think you would LOVE his music!)
-Spanky has been a huge supporter of my cooking from my NC days. When not fire fighting you might find Spanky hiking the Appalachian trail.
-Lisa has been in my life since the early 90’s. She’s a huge music supporter and a lover of all things delicious.
-Claudia is an old friend from my days in North Carolina. I met Claudia at a pig pull back in 1998, when I first moved to Chapel Hill. Since then, Claudia has started a successful Personal Chef business, Good Intentions Personal Chef Service in the Hillsborough area, as well as serving the Durham and Chapel Hill area.
-Laurel Estabrooks is a new expat friend, recently becoming a Portuguese resident. Parabens!! Someday I hope to meet up face to face. Muito Obrigada Laurel!!
Thank you all sooo much for supporting me in this endeavor. I am truly grateful for you.
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